So you want to optimize your iPhone for Céline-esque prose?

Ever since reading Journey to the End of the Night (1932) I’ve enthusiastically over-used ellipses. Even if they’re unprovoked and grammatically incorrect in regard to the traditional function of the punctuation mark, it doesn’t matter: I just like them, and I feel like they correlate pretty well to how most of our brains naturally operate . . . but more on that some other time.

If you’re not familiar with Louis-Ferdinand Céline‘s novel — beloved by curmudgeons from Sartre to Bukowski to Godard — it’s a WWI-era semi-autobiography packed full of dark, misanthropic, ellipsis-saturated gems like this:

“One fine day you decide to talk less and less about the things you care most about, and when you have to say something, it costs you an effort . . . You’re good and sick of hearing yourself talk . . . you abridge . . . You give up . . . For thirty years you’ve been talking . . . You don’t care about being right anymore. You even lose your desire to keep hold of the small place you’d reserved yourself among the pleasures of life . . . You’re fed up . . . From that time on you’re content to eat a little something, cadge a little warmth, and sleep as much as possible on the road to nowhere.”

Bleak and nihilistic, indeed, but the vacant appeal of those trinities of periods is undeniable, isn’t it? So let’s optimize your mobile device with this simple shortcut to SMS just like Céline . . .

Pre-Optimization

By default, your iPhone requires 10 finger-gestures to produce The Chicago Manual of Style-endorsed full-stop ellipsis, which, to be clear, is SPACE-PERIOD-SPACE-PERIOD-SPACE-PERIOD-SPACE and appears exactly as what’s between these brackets [ . . . ].

To execute, you first have to press the ‘space bar’ (1) after finishing the preceding word, in this case “geez”:

Céline_01_480

Then, you have to hit the ‘123 button’ (2) to switch over to numerals and punctuation:

Céline_01A_480

Followed by the ‘period button’ (3):

Céline_02A_480

And then you have to repeat this whole cycle two more times — space (4), 123 (5), period (6), space (7), 123 (8), period (9), space (10) — until you finally arrive here:

Céline_03A_480

But ain’t nobody got time for 10 steps per full-stop ellipsis anymore, so fortunately with some quick tinkering you can reduce the necessary actions down to just 4 — a 60% decrease in gestures, fyi, and a 78% decrease in total pixels that your finger must travel across the touchscreen.

Optimizing Your iPhone for Céline-esque Prose

So, to optimize, go to your iPhone Settings > General > Keyboard > Add New Shortcut:

Céline_04A_480

Enter the full-stop ellipsis into the “Phrase” field (don’t forget to start and finish with a space), then enter a double-period (no spaces) into the “Shortcut” field, like this, and hit “Save”:

Céline_05AA_480

Boom. There you have it.

Post-Optimization

Now, whenever you need an ellipsis, simply hit ‘123’ and then double-tap ‘period’ to bring up the shortcut you just created:

Céline_06AA_480

Hit ‘space bar’ once more to activate it and you’ll be on your own journey to the end of the night in no time:

Céline_07_480

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@crankstrap

Posted in Futurism, How To, iPhone, Literature, Parody, Reading, Tech, Touchscreens, Writing
22 comments on “So you want to optimize your iPhone for Céline-esque prose?
  1. Ha! Celine would absolutely hate the iPhone-drooling zombies littering the CTA. Hate them. Don’t you think?

    Couldn’t this describe most of our public interaction today?

    “For weeks and years these colonials passed the same forms and faces until they were so sick of hating them that they didn’t even look at one another. The officers now and then would take their families for a walk, paying close attention to military salutes and civilian greetings, the wives swaddled in their special sanitary napkins, the children, unbearably plump Eurpopean maggots, wilted by the head and constant diarrhea”.

    For weeks and years these commuters and shoppers passed the same forms and faces until they were so sick of hating them that they turned up their iPods and put on their Google Glass. The business types in Lincoln Park and Logan Square now and then would take their families out for a walk or a ride on the El, conspicuously wearing their babies in little packs that rest on their bellies and paying close attention to new bars and restaurants that had just opened up on the boulevard where they could spend their disposable income, the wives swaddled in the finest boutique vintage whatever, the children, unbearably disassociated little American maggots, wilted by their boredom and over-ease.

  2. I’m probably missing an obvious joke here.

  3. segmation says:

    There is so much to learn and learn again on these cell phones. How does one keep up with all of this? Got any suggestions?

  4. Jeff says:

    Thanks for that tip. Very helpful. And congrats on getting Freshly Pressed!

  5. danettejvc says:

    Love this!! I am also an over-user of the ellipses. It’s just always made sense to me to say something and then . . .

    I’m thrilled to learn of this shortcut. Now even my texts can be “correctly” infused with the thought-provoking wonder of the ellipses . . .

    Any quick tips or shortcutss for the dash — I also love to use these! em dash, en dash, figure dash, hyphen. I admit I use them interchangeably most of the time, even though I know there really is a difference. And yes, I’m a big grammar geek–obviously . . .

  6. MB says:

    Hahah!
    That’s awesome! Love this.

  7. Kai says:

    Guilty of overuse. But, nothing else really expresses the way my mind jumps from thought to thought with random thoughts in the middle . . . it’s perfect.

  8. Yes, I like the ellipses in the quotes but I hate it on the iPhone! :=)
    Kudos on being Freshly Pressed!

  9. hannahjane21 says:

    Haha, this is great.

  10. emekatalks says:

    LOL. Im really not in that league(iphone) but hey im a BLACKBERRY FAN!

  11. done and done . . . thanks!

  12. rebellred says:

    awesome! thank you for the funny informative 🙂

  13. That is great! I bow to your incredible ellipsis/iphone texting skills!

    Thanks for sharing the knowledge.

  14. Margie says:

    . . . and I’ve also learned that I’ve been doing ellipses all wrong. I haven’t been adding any spaces…

  15. […] This post was featured on WordPress’s “Freshly Pressed” and originally appeared here. […]

  16. Gena Ramsey says:

    Wow, I use ellipsis all the time. . . Never knew I had to put a space in between each period. Makes total sense. Thanks for the post. I am going to correct my mistake and use the shortcut on my phone. Sweet!

  17. Lila says:

    Or you could just replace the ellipsis with a period. 😉
    This was entertaining though.

  18. I think this was a great post and definitely a help for me! You know, I read basically the same thing on another blog shortly after getting my iPhone but just never implemented it. Thank you for reminding me that I need not endure the frustration! 😉

  19. mono says:

    Love this 🙂

  20. betiyo says:

    also, if you just hold the period the 3 dots will naturally pop up. Nice step by step instruction!

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